Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
Randomize
