Hey man sorry I got all grabby
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
