Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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