Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
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