I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize