Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
no. you can't hotbox the world.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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