I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
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