when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
