I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
The adults are the big ones right?
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
