pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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