I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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