I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize
