Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Randomize
