So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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