just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Randomize