my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
