When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Randomize
