wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
