I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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