So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
