genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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