Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
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