I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
