I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
