uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
