She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
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