in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
