Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Randomize
