Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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