I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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