everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
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