It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize