I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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