my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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