The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
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