if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
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