I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
