i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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