So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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