I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
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