Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Randomize
