just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
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