so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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