I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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