watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
