I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
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