I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
