I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize
