I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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