Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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