What did we do last night that was yellow?
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
