Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Randomize
