We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
