I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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