I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Randomize
