Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Randomize
