you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Randomize