Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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