She just used a chaser for red wine.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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