i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Is it penis luge time yet?
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Randomize
