i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
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