he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
