i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
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